Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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