I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
