I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
