Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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