grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
