Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My bed smells like the plague
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
