Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
