Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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