dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I want a musical about memes.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize