i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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