I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
