he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
