Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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