do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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