Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
