I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
