who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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