Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize