you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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