Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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