You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize