no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
