U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize