did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
