I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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