gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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