If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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