I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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