I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
