he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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