My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We named our party play list daddy issues
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
