There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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