WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize