i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
