If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
