i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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