Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
