im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
