she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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