I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
