Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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