I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
