So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
