I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize