Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
