Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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