we're blogging at a bar
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize