Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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