and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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