ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
