If i come over, it means nothing
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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