At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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