she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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