haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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