Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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